One of the Girls
by ThreadbareSP
Summary: The fourth grade girls have made another list, ranking the girls from prettiest to ugliest. This time, it isn't rigged, and Charlie Pierzynski is dead last. TSP Episode #202
1. The Other List

**"One of the Girls"**

_This story is based partly on the premise of the episode "The List," but takes place after the events of that episode. It contains the OC Charlie Pierzynski (see 'The Charlie Arc' for background)._

**Part 1. The Other List**

* * *

><p>Charlie May Pierzynski, Fourth Grader and Amateur Ukulele Player, stands on the stage in the auditorium for the fourth grade talent show. Dressed in a cowboy hat, a plaid shirt, jeans, and cowboy boots, she strums her ukulele, closes her eyes, and (in a childish voice with a slightly Western accent) she starts to sing the classic western song, "Home on the Range."<p>

"_Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam! Where the deer and the antelope play! Where seldom is heard a discouraging word, and the skies are not cloudy all day! Home, home on the range! Where the deer and the antelope play! Where seldom is heard a discouraging word, and the skies are not cloudy all day!_"

Charlie grins and bows the audience-the fourth grade class-claps politely.

Mr. Garrison walks onto the stage and picks up the microphone. "Thank you, Charlotte. That was very nice." He then ushers her off the stage.

Charlie happily walks off the stage and sits next to the boys, smiling expectantly.

"Good job, Charlie," says Kyle politely.

Charlie beams. "Thanks!"

Cartman smirks and rolls his eyes. "Yeah, you rocked that ukulele."

Mr. Garrison clears his throat into the microphone before continuing. "Next we have Clyde, who will be… Wait a minute." Mr. Garrison sighs and looks over at Clyde. "Clyde, remember when I said that burping the ABCs doesn't count as a talent?"

Clyde, who had been walking up toward the stage, stops and looks disappointed. "Aw, crud."

* * *

><p>Back in the classroom, the girls are gathered in a cluster. Charlie sits at her desk, doodles a picture of an airplane, and listens as they compliment each other on their talent show acts.<p>

"I just loved your lyrical dance number, Bebe," Red gushes. "You're so talented!"

Bebe smiles. "Thanks! And Wendy, your singing was amazing. I just love Celine Dion!"

Charlie glances up and chimes in from her desk. "Yeah, good job, Wendy. You have a very nice singing voice."

The girls stop talking and look over at her. A few of them exchange looks.

"Um, thanks, Charlie," says Wendy. "So do you."

A few of the girls giggle, and Wendy glares at them. Charlie diverts her attention back to her drawing, and the girls resume their conversation as the tension dissipates.

* * *

><p>"It's finished! The List is finally finished!"<p>

The students of South Park Elementary are interrupted from their lunches by the overly-enthusiastic shrieks of Bebe and Lola. The girls squirm excitedly at the cafeteria doors as the entire school turns and stares at them. Most of the students look surprised, annoyed, or even apathetic. But the fourth grade girls respond differently.

"What? Where is it?" gasps Wendy, standing up. The other girls from Mr. Garrison's class also spring to their feet.

"It's in the girl's room by the computer lab," squeals Lola.

The girls giggle and begin to rush out of the cafeteria. As the group walks past the boys' table, Red whispers to Heidi, "I'm so nervous to see who the prettiest girl in the grade is!"

Charlie, who is poking at her food, glances up and watches the other girls leave the cafeteria. She is sitting at the boys' table next to Kyle and across from Butters, but at the very end, almost ready to fall off of the bench. She stares at the now-empty doorway. Meanwhile, the boys all seem to be engaged in their own conversation.

"You're such a retard, Cartman," Kyle sighs, exasperated. "Nuking North Korea is the dumbest thing we could do after nuking China or Iran."

"Jesus Christ, Kyle. You're such a pussy," Cartman sniggers. "I mean, just think about it: a nation, cut off from the rest of the world, mourning the return of the Great Leader to his Palace in the Sky. That Kim Jong-un kid who's in charge now… Honestly, how old is he? Twenty? Twenty-five?" Cartman takes a swig of chocolate milk as the rest of the boys wait for him to keep speaking. Kyle, annoyed, rolls his eyes. Cartman sighs deeply, wipes his mouth, and continues. "So anyway, all we'd have to do is wait until after his bedtime. Then we're fly over Pyongyang and drop a fucking H-bomb on the place! It'll be so fucking awesome!"

"You're such a fucking retard, Cartman," Kyle snaps. "Do you even think before you talk?"

"I actually think Cartman's idea sounds kind of cool," pipes Clyde, taking a bite out of a sandwich.

Charlie, who had been distracted with her own thoughts up to this point, nudges Kyle with her elbow.

"Hey, Kyle?" she asks.

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember that list the girls made awhile ago? Where they ranked all the boys from cutest to ugliest?"

Kyle doesn't look thrilled to be reminded of that event, but he shrugs and says, "Well, yeah, I remember. It was rigged because the girls wanted shoes."

Charlie rubs her hands together uncomfortably. "Didn't they decide to stop making lists after that?"

"Not permanently," says Stan, who sits on the other side of Kyle. "I'm pretty sure Wendy told me they were just going on hiatus for a few weeks until Bebe got out of juvie."

"Oh," Charlie says.

"Why do you-? Oh, right," says Kyle, glancing over at the cafeteria doors where the announcement had been made just minutes before. "What are they doing now? They'd better not be ranking the boys again."

Charlie shrugs and half-smiles. "It sounded like they were ranking the girls this time."

"You mean from prettiest to ugliest?" Kyle asks.

"I think so." She looks at the doorway to the cafeteria.

"Charlie, having witnessed first-hand the havoc that this kind of list can wreak, I've got to recommend that you just try to avoid it. It doesn't matter what your ranking is; it'll end up screwing with your head."

"You're just telling her that 'cause you know she'll be somewhere near the bottom, Kyle," Craig, who is sitting nearby, says stoically before he continues eating his sandwich. Charlie and Kyle both glare at him.

* * *

><p>When the boys (and Charlie) return to the classroom after lunch, the girls are already there. Some of them—Lola, Red, and Bebe, for example—look gleeful, while Heidi Turner and Tammy Nelson look somewhat more somber. Annie Faulk, meanwhile, has her head down on her desk and appears to be holding back tears. Sally tries to cheer her up.<p>

"Don't worry about it, Annie," Sally says, patting her back. "Remember how the boys' list was all mixed up? The same thing might have happened again this time."

"Don't be ridiculous, Sally," Annie snaps. "Now that Wendy's in charge, the list making is completely transparent. If something was going on, we'd know. You know that as well as I do. That list is completely true." Annie sniffles. "I can never show my face in school again."

Charlie listens to this conversation from a few desks down, and she was more tempted than ever to peek at the forbidden fruit of the List. She raises her hand as Mr. Garrison tries to get the class settled.

"Mr. Garrison?" she asks. "Could I use the bathroom?"

Mr. Garrison sighs. "Make it quick, Charlie."

She hops out of her desk and hurries to the bathroom by the computer lab. She glances around a bit before she spots a piece of paper taped to the wall at the end of the row of stalls. She apprehensively approaches it. Gulping, she scans down the list.

1. Bebe  
>2. Lola<br>3. Wendy  
>4. Red<br>5. Jessie  
>6. Sally<br>7. Nelly  
>8. Jenny<br>9. Emily  
>10. Kal<br>11. Millie  
>12. Esther<br>13. Heidi  
>14. Tammy<br>15. Riley  
>16. Annie<br>17. Charlie

She finally reaches her own name, the "i" dotted with a heart, in the very bottom position. She stares at it for a few seconds. The glances down at her hands, then looks up at the List again. It still has her name at the very bottom. She rubs her left arm with her right hand for several seconds as she continues to look at the List.

Finally, she walks over to the sinks and examines at her reflection in the mirror. After five or ten seconds, she looks down, sniffles, and heads dejectedly back to class.

* * *

><p>When Charlie enters the classroom, she can tell from the looks on the girls' faces that they had expected her to discover her ranking, and that they all know where she stands on the List. Embarrassed, Charlie shuffles to her seat as quickly as she can. In addition to the girls, Kyle, whose desk is across from hers, appears to suspect that she looked at the List.<p>

"I told you not to look at it," he whispers as she sits down and rests her head on her arms. Charlie turns her head so she's looking the other way. "What'd it say?"

Charlie sighs deeply at turns her head again so she's facing him. Careful to avoid eye contact, she whispers, "Nothing."

"Okay, kids, let's all get settled down," Mr. Garrison says. "Okay. Now, I've got a few quick announcements. First off, don't forget about your math test on Wednesday. Second, I'm supposed to remind you all about the school's Martin Luther King Day dance this Friday. All students are encouraged to attend, and it's being organized by our one and only Token Black."

Token looks surprised. "Me? I didn't sign up to organize it. I'm not even on student council."

Mr. Garrison rolls his eyes and laughs. "Well, obviously you're organizing it, silly. It's the Martin Luther King Day dance, for Christ's sake. With you in charge, I'm sure it will be the hippest, funkiest event this school has ever hosted."

Token stares at Mr. Garrison, but doesn't argue any further.

As Mr. Garrison continues to speak, Sally and Millie whisper to each other. Kyle, who sits near them, appears to be listening to their conversation.

"Looks like someone just figured out she was last on the List," whispers Sally, smiling slightly and jabbing a thumb in Charlie's direction.

"Well, somebody had to be last," replies Millie. "And look at her. She fits the bill, alright."

Kyle looks annoyed as the two girls giggle. Then he glances at Charlie again. She is slumped in her desk, looking and hunching her shoulders up as if to hide her face. Kyle appears to feel sorry for her. Then, as if a light bulb has gone off, he seems to come up with an idea.

* * *

><p>After school that day, Kyle visits the Marsh house. He goes upstairs to Stan's room. The door is open. Kyle knocks lightly to let Stan know that he's there. Stan, who was sitting and reading at his desk, looks up and faces him.<p>

"What's up?" Stan asks.

Kyle, looking slightly uncomfortable, asks, "Do you think it'd be, you know, really weird if I asked Charlie to go to the dance?" Stan looks over at him with an expression of mixed confusion and disgust. Kyle doesn't notice, and he continues. "I mean, it wouldn't be, like, asking her out or anything. Just, you know, to go to this one dance thing. I mean, she seemed really upset today, and I thought maybe it would cheer her up."

Stan looks at Kyle with a baffled expression. "Yes, I think it'd be weird."

"Why?" asks Kyle, apparently not anticipating this answer.

Stan sighs. "Come on, Kyle. Think about it. I mean, she's sort of like my sister, for one thing. And she's kind of our friend, which would make it really weird. If you really want to go to the dumb dance with somebody, you should just ask someone else. I mean, no offense to Charlie or anything, but honestly, dude: you could probably do better."

"What do mean?" Kyle says somewhat defensively. "What's wrong with her?"

"I mean, look," Stan says. He holds a hand up at head level. "You've got the kids like Bebe and Bridan Gueermo." He lowers his hand to shoulder-level. "And then you've got the kids like you and me and Kenny." He lowers his hand to around chest-height. "And then you've got the kids like Tweek and Kevin Stoley." Finally, he lowers his hand to just above the ground. "And then you have Pip, and Butters, and Charlie. It's just the way it goes."

"Aw, come on," Kyle argues. "Charlie isn't as uncool as Pip and Butters."

Stan shakes his head in disagreement. "Maybe if she was a boy she'd be on a different level, but she's a girl. And the fact of the matter is that I talked to Wendy, and Charlie's been voted the least popular _and_ the ugliest girl in the grade. End of story."

Kyle frowns, looks at the wall, and crosses his arms. "That's stupid. Charlie isn't ugly, and there's absolutely no reason for her to be unpopular. She's really cool."

Stan stares at him dubiously with an eyebrow raised. "You like Charlie? Seriously? Our Charlie?"

Kyle hesitates for a moment before he rebuts. "I didn't say that. And you're the one who's saying there's something wrong with her."

Stan rolls his eyes. "Well, I'm saying that there's anything wrong with her, per se—just that she's kind of weird, and that there are hotter girls who would probably be happy to go to the dumb dance thing with you."

Kyle looks at Stan with a mixture of annoyance and disappointment, but he doesn't say anything. Stan sighs and decides to tread a bit lighter: "Look, dude, do whatever you want. Just don't involve me, because I don't want to be there when it starts to get weird."

* * *

><p>Charlie stands on a stool in front of the bathroom mirror. She stares at her reflection stoically for several seconds. Then she proceeds to change her expression a number of times: she tries grinning, smiling seductively, pouting, smirking, sticking her tongue out, and making a kissing face before she gets frustrated and groans at her reflection. At last, she just looks depressed.<p>

"I'm never going to look like Lola and Bebe," she sighs.

Then she spots Mrs. Marsh's bag of makeup in the medicine cabinet. Glancing apprehensively at the door, Charlie hops off of the stool, gets the bag of makeup, and returns to the sink. After several minutes of trying to apply lipstick, blush, mascara, and eye shadow, Charlie looks more like a circus clown than a model. She is finally fed up with herself.

"God damn this hideous face!" she snaps. "Why can't I be pretty?"


	2. In the Hood

**"One of the Girls"**

**Part 2. In the Hood**

* * *

><p>The next day, Cartman, Kenny, and Kyle are standing at the bus stop when Stan and Charlie walk up. Stan is dressed the same as always, but Charlie wears her hood over her head in a style similar to Kenny's. The three boys stare at her for a few seconds. Kenny glares at her.<p>

"Hey guys? Is Kenny kind of ugly?" asks Charlie. Her voice is somewhat muffled, though her hood doesn't obscure her voice as much as Kenny's.

"(The fuck, bitch?)" Kenny snaps.

"I mean, not that it matters or anything," Charlie says. "I'm not one to talk. And I don't even know what you look like under there. But it seems like wearing a hood all the time would be a really good idea if somebody was just kind of ugly."

The boys stare at her oddly.

"Dude," Stan says, shaking his head. "You really don't think before you start talking, do you?"

"See?" Kyle says loudly, pointing at Charlie. "See? I told you this would happen, but you had to go and look at that stupid List anyway."

"Yeah, you're acting like a freak, Charlie," Stan says.

"I'm not acting like a freak!" Charlie yells indignantly. "For your information, _Stanley_, this is for your own benefit. I'm trying to act accommodating so it's not too embarrassing for you guys to hang out with me."

Cartman sighs and stares off into the sky. "We all crossed that bridge a long time ago, kid."

Charlie sighs and fans her face with her hand. "Jeez, it's hot in here. How do you do it, Kenny?"

"(I like it. If I'm permanently sweaty, I'm also permanently lubricated.)"

Charlie, oblivious to Kenny's innuendo, snorts. "Ew. You must stink real bad."

Cartman laughs. "Duh, he stinks real bad. Kenny's poor. He only showers once a week."

Kenny glares and punches Cartman in the arm. "(Hey, that's a choice, you fuckin' asshole!)"

Charlie lifts up her arms and sniffs one of her underarms. "Oh great," she sighs. "I'm all sweaty. Now I'm going to be lubricated, just like Kenny."

Kenny starts cracking up. The other boys cover their mouths and snicker as the bus pulls up to take them to school.

* * *

><p>At lunch that day, the four boys and Charlie sit a small table. Charlie is still wearing her hood up, and her face is flushed from the heat. After several unsuccessful attempts to eat with the hood up, Charlie sighs and pulls it down. Underneath, her hair is messy and plastered to her head with sweat.<p>

"How do you live this way, Kenny?" she asks, fanning her face off with her sandwich. Kenny shrugs before expertly biting into his sandwich with his hood up.

Kyle clears his throat and, in a slightly scripted tone, says, "So, the Martin Luther King Day dance is this Friday. What are you guys planning on doing?"

Stan stabs a bit of chicken with his fork. "I'm going with Wendy."

Cartman rolls his eyes. "Pssh. You're such a pussy, Stan."

"Yeah, we're fourth graders," Charlie snorts. "We don't actually take dates to dances. That's gay."

"(So gay,)" agrees Kenny.

Stan looks at Kyle and raises his eyebrows.

Kyle slowly argues this point. "Well… if a boy takes a girl to a dance, isn't that, like, the opposite of gay?"

Cartman, Charlie, and Kenny glance at each other. Cartman answers for the three of them. "Nope, that's still totally gay."

Stan and Kyle look at the three of them with confused expressions.

"Wait, wait," Stan says, waving one of his hands. "So you're saying that if a _boy_ chooses to invite a _girl_ to a social event, he's a homosexual?"

The three of them pause to think for a moment before Cartman says, "We're saying he's a total pussy."

Charlie continues on with the logic from there. "Yeah. And if he's a total pussy asking a girl to a dance… well, then that makes him a lesbian, doesn't it?"

"(A guy with a pussy plus a girl with a pussy equals two pussies,)" says Kenny.

"Right. Lesbians," Charlie affirms.

"You three are all retarded," says Stan seriously. He gets up from the table. "I'm going to recess."

Cartman yawns and puts an arm around Kenny's shoulder. "Looks like it's just you and me again, buddy."

Kyle kicks Cartman's leg from under the table. Charlie stares at the two of them with disinterested confusion, slowly chewing her sandwich. Kenny gets up and walks away as Cartman whines, "What the fuck, Kyle? You don't just kick a guy under the table, asshole." Cartman glances to his left and suddenly realizes that Kenny has abandoned him. He looks at Charlie, who sits to his right, and Kyle, who's directly across from him, before he says, "Well, fuck if I'm gonna sit here with you assholes." He stands up, walks over to Kyle, and nudges him with his shoulder. Kyle glares at him. "I'd hate to be the third wheel, if you know what I mean."

"Fuck off, Cartman," snaps Kyle.

"Knock 'em dead, tiger," Cartman says with a wink before moseying out of the cafeteria.

Kyle and Charlie look at each other. Charlie appears bored as she continues chewing. Kyle rests his head on the table and sighs.

Charlie swallows. "What's wrong?" she asks.

"Cartman's a fucking fat piece of shit," Kyle replies.

"Yeah, I guess so," Charlie says, "but you really shouldn't be mean to him about it."

Kyle sits back up and stares at Charlie in disbelief. "I honestly don't know what to say to that."

"Oh, I didn't mean you shouldn't be mean to him at all," Charlie says slowly. "I meant you shouldn't make fun of him about being fat. People shouldn't be mean about how other people look. We can't help it."

She finishes her lunch and pulls her hood back up.

Kyle looks over at the wall, then back at Charlie. "I was wondering if... you wanted to go over to my house after school."

"Sure, I guess," she says, her voice again slightly obscured by her hood. "What are we going to do?"

* * *

><p>"Broflovski! Get over here, quick!"<p>

Charlie, holding a magnifying glass before her eye, crouches over a large rock in the Broflovskis' backyard. She wears a long trench coat and a fake moustache. Her hood is no longer up.

"Did you find something, Pierzynski?" asks Kyle. He puts down the feather duster he was using to "dust" the side of the house for fingerprints and walks up behind her. He too is dressed in a trench coat and fake moustache. He also wears a pair of glasses.

Charlie speaks in a deep, gruff voice. "Take a look at this." She hands the magnifying lens to Kyle, who uses it to examine the rock. "I think I found some blood spatter evidence."

"Damn, you're right," says Kyle gravely.

Charlie takes his spot again. She pulls out a camera and snaps a picture before barking, "Get me some swabs, Broflovski. We need to send some samples back to the lab for DNA analysis."

Kyle reaches in his pocket and pulls out some cotton swabs. He hands one to Charlie.

As Charlie pretends to gather evidence, Kyle speaks in a somber voice. "The victim's fingerprints are all over the wall. She must have been hitting the wall to try to get the attention of the homeowners before she was savagely beaten to death and dismembered."

Charlie closes her eyes, shakes her head, and sighs dramatically before muttering, "All I can say is we're dealing with one sick son-of-a-bitch." Suddenly, she snaps out of character and stands up. In her normal voice, she asks, "Who should be the bad guy this time? I think it should be you, since I was the bad guy last time. And should it be the estranged boyfriend or the jealous roommate?"

Kyle shrugs. "Oh, I don't really care. You decide."

Charlie smiles and nods. "Okay. I think it should be the roommate, since it's usually the boyfriend. You know, just to mix it up a little bit."

Kyle swallows and glances at the ground uncomfortably. "Yeah. Uh, Charlie?"

Charlie fishes through the pockets of the trench coat for the magnifying glass. "Yeah?" she asks.

Kyle hesitates, then says, "…I think the sister-in-law should have paid the roommate to help get rid of her."

Charlie grins. "Ooh, a twist! Brilliant, Detective Broflovski!"

Kyle looks annoyed with himself.

* * *

><p>Charlie is leaving school on Thursday. As she walks down the hallway by herself, she is approached by a group of girls from class: Bebe, Lola, Red, Millie, Heidi, Kal, and Nelly. Charlie stops walking and looks up at them nervously.<p>

"Hi, Charlie," Bebe says in an unusually friendly tone.

"Uh, hi, guys," says Charlie, holding the straps to her backpack tightly.

"Listen, Charlie, we were wondering," says Bebe, "since we know you saw the List…" (Charlie glances at the ground uncomfortably) "…if you'd like us to… I don't know… give you sort of a makeover. You know, for the dance on Friday."

Charlie looks surprised and nervous, but also hopeful. "Really?" she asks. "You'd do that?"

"Of course, silly," says Lola with a smile. "We're your friends, aren't we?"

"You are?" Charlie again looks excited.

"Of course we are. Now, we need you to meet us outside the Old Navy at the mall at four o'clock sharp," instructs Lola. "You can do that, can't you?"

Charlie, still surprised, looks excited. "Sure!" she says. "Sure, I can do that!"

"Great. We'll see you then," says Millie. "Bye, Charlie!"

The group walks away. Charlie stares after them for several seconds, then grins and hurries out of the school.

* * *

><p><em>Do these little end notes fuck with the story's continuity? Do they make you feel more in touch with me, the author? Do they just piss you off? Speak now or forever hold your peace!<em>


	3. Charlie Gets a Makeover

**"One of the Girls"**

_Note: I know Bebe is a character that some people like and some people hate. Personally, I'm actually pretty neutral. I portray Bebe as a bitch in this story because it works for the story I'm trying to tell. Bebe is a character who, on the show, only has prominent roles every once in a while, and when they do come about, her personality varies widely. In "Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society," she's a victim. In "Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset," she's a bitch. I'm using "Bebe the bitch" as a character here._

**Part 3. Charlie Gets a Makeover**

* * *

><p>Just after four that afternoon, Bebe and the girls stand outside the Old Navy, talking and laughing amongst themselves. Wendy, who is shopping at the mall by herself, sees them. She glances up at the letters spelling the name of the store, then she looks back at the girls. Confused, she approaches them. The girls stop giggling and face her.<p>

"Oh, hi, Wendy," says Bebe with a smile.

Wendy smiles back, but looks somewhat confused. "So, you guys shop at Old Navy?"

The girls look at each other, laughing.

"Of course not, silly," giggles Lola. "We're going to be shopping for a special someone. Oh, look! There she is now!"

Wendy glances over her shoulder and sees Charlie in the distance, grinning and walking towards the group. She turns back towards the girls and hisses, "What exactly are you guys planning on doing?"

"Oh, come on, Wendy," laughs Red.

Wendy looks troubled. "It's just that she's Stan's foster sister, and I don't think—"

"Don't worry, Wendy, it's all in good fun," says Bebe. Charlie reaches the group and smiles shyly. "Hi, Charlie."

"Hi, guys," says Charlie. "I brought twenty dollars. Is that going to be enough?"

The girls start to giggle again.

"We'll cover you if we have to," laughs Lola. She puts a hand on Charlie's back and leads her into the Old Navy.

As the other girls enter the store after them, Wendy grabs Bebe by the arm and pulls her aside. "Promise you won't do anything too embarrassing," she whispers.

"Oh, Wendy, it's just a little prank. Lighten up a little," says Bebe as she walks into the Old Navy.

Wendy stares at them through the store window for a few seconds. Then she walks away.

Inside, the girls split up to scour the shelves, leaving Charlie to stand alone (and quite confused) in the middle of the store. After several minutes, the girls hurry back up to her and drag her into the changing room.

"Put this on," instructs Red, handing her a collared blue polka-dotted dress.

"This?" asks Charlie, puzzled, as she eyes the outfit. "Are you guys sure?"

"Trust us," says Bebe with a smile. "Polka dots are all the rage this year."

Charlie still doesn't look convinced, but she enters the changing stall. A minute later, she exits, wearing the polka-dot dress. The girls cover their mouths and giggle, and Charlie looks at them with some uncertainty.

"Wow," Lola says through her laughter, "you look incredible!"

"Really?" Charlie says, looking down at herself. "I don't know. It's kind of frilly and stuff. Maybe we should look for something else."

"No!" Nelly says loudly. "This is perfect for you!"

"Perfect," Bebe agrees. "You look amazing."

"Really?" This time Charlie sounds more optimistic.

"Definitely."

Charlie smiles a little and turns around in front of the mirror as the girls try to stifle more giggles.

"You know what would go perfect with that dress?" Millie asks the other girls. "A little bow to go in her hair."

"Totally!" Heidi says, nodding in agreement. "And some knee-high socks and those little shiny black shoes with the straps."

"Hurry up and change out of that dress, Charlie," Bebe orders, pushing Charlie back into the stall. "We're going to Target!"

* * *

><p>Charlie rings the doorbell to the Broflovski house. After a few seconds, Ike, dressed in his blue footie pajamas, opens the door and looks at her.<p>

"Hi, Ike," says Charlie. "Is Kyle at home?"

"Boo-budder," replies Ike, bouncing around the doorway.

"Thanks," Charlie says as she enters the house. She heads towards the kitchen. "Kyle?" she calls. "You're never going to guess where—"

Charlie suddenly pauses when she enters the kitchen and sees Kyle—with his hat off. Sheila stands near him, leaning against the counter and inspecting the inside of the hat carefully. Kyle looks up at his hair and then back at Charlie, who seems at a loss for words. After a few seconds, Charlie starts to giggle. Kyle, flushed with embarrassment, puts his hands over his head in an attempt to cover up his hair.

"I'm sorry," Charlie chokes through her giggles. "I guess I've never seen you with your hat off before."

Kyle stares at her, mortified, and doesn't move his hands off of his head.

Charlie, still giggling, gasps for breath a few times before she says, "I just had no idea it looked like that. It's kinda funny-looking, huh?"

"Mom! Give me back my hat!" Kyle says shrilly. He tries to grab it out of her hands, but Sheila holds it up beyond his reach.

"Just a minute, bubby," Sheila says sternly. "I have to finish checking for lice."

Charlie squeezes her eyes shut and covers up her mouth as she begins to laugh even harder.

"Gah!" Kyle groans. He hurries out of the room, humiliated.

Sheila looks up, confused as to why he left. "Kyle? Kyle, sweetheart?" She doesn't get a response. She glances over at Charlie, who is beginning to calm down, and says, "I wonder what's gotten into him." She answers her own question a moment later. "You know what? I think I know what it is. Kyle always went to bed at nine-o'clock, and now that we've changed his bedtime to nine-thirty, he's probably just a little cranky."

Kyle can be heard groaning from across the house.

Sheila sighs and rolls her eyes. Then she gasps as she remembers something else. "You know, I bet poor Kyle still has a belly-ache too. He had stomach cramps and diarrhea all last week."

"Aw, come on, Ma!" Kyle shouts.

* * *

><p>The next day, the boys all stand at the bus stop before school. Cartman looks tired and annoyed.<p>

"Goddamn kindergartner," he grumbles. "An ear infection. A stupid fucking ear infection, and suddenly the whole world has to revolve around her." He glances at the other boys, who offer no reaction. "Do you know how late she was up crying? Huh, Kyle? Kenny? Do you know what time she finally stopped crying, Kenny?" Kenny doesn't respond, but Cartman acts as if he did. "_Three-thirty_. Three-thirty."

Charlie walks up to the group with her hood down again. She has a new spring in her step and she smiles cheerfully at the boys.

"Good morning," she says in a pleasant tone.

"Fuck off," Cartman snaps.

"Guess who I'm going to the dance with tonight?" Charlie requests eagerly.

"Wait, what?" Kyle says looking over at her.

"Who?" asks Stan, equally confused.

"It's got to be Butters," says Cartman, folding his hands as if praying. "_Please_ say that it's Butters."

"Nope, not Butters. I'm hanging out with the _popular girls_."

There is a brief pause. Charlie glows with pride.

"Oh, okay," Kyle says at last.

"Wait, wait, wait, you mean Bebe and Red and Lola?" asks Stan, looking baffled.

"Yep. They're my new friends. They even helped me pick out new clothes for the dance. Yep, I'm one of the girls now," says Charlie with pride.

Cartman snickers. "You mean the girls who collectively voted you the ugliest girl in the grade suddenly want to hang out with you?"

Charlie glares at him.

Stan glances at Cartman, then at Charlie. "I don't like to have to agree with Cartman, but he's kind of got a point, Charlie."

"Yeah, that sounds kind of fishy," agrees Kyle.

Charlie groans in irritation. "I can't believe you guys," she snaps. "I thought you'd be happy for me."

"(I'm happy for you,)" says Kenny, raising his hand.

Charlie sighs. "Thanks, Kenny."

* * *

><p>That evening, Stan is in a white dress shirt and a blue tie (and, of course, his red poof-ball hat) in his room. The door is slightly ajar. He brushes himself off and sighs.<p>

"I hate dances. I hate them so much," he mumbles.

Charlie pokes her head into the room.

"Hey, Stan," she says in an exaggerated Southern accent. "You sher look mahghty shwell."

Stan turns around and glares at her. "Shut up, Charlie."

Charlie walks into the room wearing the dress the girls picked out for her. She also wears a light blue bow in her hair, knee-socks, and shiny shoes with buckles. Stan turns around and stares at her, his mouth slightly open.

Charlie twirls around once and grins nervously. "Don't I look different?"

Stan hesitates, then, slowly, he says, "You do look… different."

The doorbell rings in the background.

"Oh, shit," mutters Stan. "Is Wendy here already? Go tell her I'll be ready really soon."

Charlie skips down the stairs and opens the door. She's surprised to see that it isn't Wendy at all—it's Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, all dressed up for the dance.

"Oh, hi, guys," Charlie says with a quick wave. "What are you doing here?"

Kenny elbows Kyle, who rolls his eyes and sighs. "Kenny wanted me to tell you that he'll kick those whores' asses if they're just messing with you."

Charlie looks somewhat puzzled, but she says, "Thanks, I guess."

Kenny nods. "(You might be a dumb bitch sometimes, but, dammit, you're our dumb bitch!)"

"Uh, no she isn't, Kenny," Cartman says. He reaches over and puts a hand on Kyle's shoulder, and, fluttering his eyelashes, he says, "She's Kyle's bitch."

Kyle, furiously gritting his teeth, growls, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! She isn't my bitch!"

"I don't like it when you guys call me a bitch," Charlie interjects, frowning.

"Nobody asked you, Charlie!" Kyle snaps. "Now come on, we've got to go."

"Go where?"

"(To the dance,)" says Kenny, pointing over his shoulder with his thumb. "(We're walkin'.)"

"Yeah! It's time for Token's MLK Day Black Pride Spectacular!" says Cartman. "There's gonna be saxaphone music, and rappers, and cajun food, and lots and lots of professional basketball players! It's gonna be awesome! "

Charlie shakes her head. "Mrs. Marsh is driving me and Stan and Wendy."

"Yeah, which is why Stan asked us to come here and get rid of you," explains Kyle.

"Faggot. Taking a girl to a dance," says Cartman, shaking his head.

Charlie sighs. "One second. I've gotta get my coat."

* * *

><p><em>Thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed this and other stories of mine. You rock!<em>


	4. That's Amore

**Part 4. That's Amore**

* * *

><p>Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Charlie enter the gymnasium, which has been decked out with streamers and balloons for the dance.<p>

Token, wearing a tuxedo and a frown, greets them at the door.

"Welcome to the Martin Luther King Day dance," he says in a tired monotone. "Please leave your coats in the storage closet. Direct all music requests to the DJ."

Kyle, Kenny, and Charlie head over to deposit their coats in the closet. Cartman doesn't: he stays rooted to the spot, looking around the gymnasium in confusion.

"Token," he says after a long pause, "…the fuck?"

"What?"

"Where are all the Cajuns and gangstahs and professional athletes?" Cartman demands.

"What are you talking about? It's a dance. Go dance," Token says with annoyance, gesturing toward the mostly empty dance floor.

Cartman glares at Token. "Goddamn it! I came here for soul and funk and rhythm and blues, not middle-class white suburban garbage! I want my racial stereotypes!"

Token, annoyed and now also offended, grabs Cartman by the front of his shirt. "I spent six hours getting this goddamn dance ready, and nobody even asked me if I wanted to do it! So you get out there and have a good time, you son-of-a-bitch!"

Cartman, looking intimidated, backs away slowly.

"Okay, man, it's all cool, it's all cool," he says in a low voice, holding his hands out in front of his body. "Just don't shoot me, man, alright?"

Token, enraged, charges at Cartman, who flees. Token chases after him.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Charlie smiles as she walks past some of the other fourth graders at the dance. They stare at her oddly. She approaches the girls.<p>

"Hey guys!" she says cheerfully. "What's up?"

Nelly smirks. "She really did it," she says to the other girls. "I can't believe she really did it."

The girls start laughing.

Charlie smiles, but looks confused. "Who did… what?"

Red flashes her a smile. "Oh, nothing," she says. She turns back to the other girls. "So anyway, it was Bradley this time. He's such a sweetheart. I almost felt bad when I had to tell him 'no.'"

"Tell him 'no' about what?" asks Charlie.

"About going to the dance, of course, silly," laughs Red. "We all get asked to dances, and we always say no, because boys are losers. I got asked by Bradley Biggle."

Charlie looks at the group. "You all got asked to the dance by boys?"

"Of course," says Bebe. "Clyde asked me… I said no, of course."

"Clyde asked me too," says Millie.

"And me," adds Heidi with a smile. "I was his third choice!"

"Jimmy asked me," Nelly says.

"I got asked by Jason," says Lola.

"Jason asked you again?" asks Nelly.

"Yes," sighs Lola. "He just doesn't seem to understand that the answer will always be the same."

Jason walks up behind her, looking sad.

"Why do you force me to relive my heartbreak? You wretched, wretched siren!"

He runs away in tears. Lola rolls her eyes.

"So who asked you, Charlie?" asks Lola with a sweet smile.

"Oh… Oh, Kevin asked me," Charlie says nervously, unaware that Kevin Stoley is standing just a few feet behind her.

"No I didn't," Kevin says, giving her a funny look before walking away.

Charlie looks at the girls, who all stare at her with stony expressions, before quickly explaining, "I meant Kevin McCormick. You know, Kenny's older brother."

"The seventh grader?" asks Red.

"Yes," Charlie says quickly.

The girls glance at each other for a few seconds without speaking. Finally, Millie chirps, "Kevin McCormick is so hot."

"I would give anything to go out with Kevin McComrick," sighs Bebe. "He's so—" Suddenly, Bebe seems to snap back to reality. She looks at Charlie with suspicion. "Wait a minute. There is no way that Kevin McCormick asked you to the dance."

Charlie looks nervous and doesn't respond.

"Hey, look, there's Kenny," says Bebe. "Kenny! Kenny!"

Kenny walks up to the group.

"(Hello, ladies. Looking for a ride on the Ken Train? All aboard!)"

Bebe, choosing to ignore his greeting, asks, "Did your brother ask Charlie to the dance?"

Kenny looks at Charlie, confused.

"Okay, okay, nobody asked me to the dance," Charlie admits.

"That's what I thought. Nobody as hot as Kenny's brother would ask out a fourth grader," Bebe says. Kenny looks a little disgusted, then he walks away.

"So what are we going to do now, guys?" Charlie asks, eager to change the subject.

"Hang out," says Red.

The girls all take out their phones and begin to text. Cartman runs by, panting, with Token hot on his tail.

"Angry black man! Somebody! …Call! …Police!" Cartman gasps.

* * *

><p>A little while later, Charlie, who doesn't own a cell phone, is still standing with the girls (who are still texting). She sighs.<p>

"Are we going to do anything else?" she asks

Bebe looks up at her. "Why don't you go dance?"

Charlie glances over at the mostly vacant dance floor in the center of the gymnasium. Then she looks back at the girls. "Just… by myself?" she asks, shrugging slightly. "Are you guys coming?"

"We'll be there in a few," Bebe says as she checks an incoming text. "Relax. People dance by themselves all the time."

"Oh. Okay."

Charlie walks to the dance floor, looking a bit confused. She awkwardly starts to dance around by herself. Kyle and Kenny stare at her from the snack table.

"(What the fuck is she doing?)" Kenny asks.

Kyle sighs and shakes his head. "I have no idea."

Butters walks up to Charlie. His hair is slicked back and he's wearing a light blue suit.

"Oh, uh, hey, Charlie."

"Hi Butters," Charlie says as she continues to dance solo.

Butters clears his throat. "Uh, may I have this dance?"

Charlie glances over at him. "Sorry, I'm supposed to be dancing by myself."

"Oh," Butters says, looking around. "Uh, well, can I dance next to you? I kind of feel like a loser dancing all alone."

"Yeah, I think that's okay," Charlie answers, looking over at the girls.

The girls start giggling as they watch Charlie and Butters dance next to each other. Kyle, who has watched the whole exchange, looks over at the girls, then at Charlie. He starts to look a little pissed. Clenching his fists, he walks up to his friend.

Charlie smiles at him. "Hi Kyle!" she says, not missing a beat. "Isn't this dance the coolest?"

Kyle scowls. "Charlie, what are you doing? Did those bitches put you up to this?"

Charlie stops dancing and glares at Kyle.

"Nobody put me up to anything. And they aren't bitches. They're _my friends_."

Kyle looks exasperated. "What? They aren't even nice to you!"

Charlie looks insulted. "Yes they are! They're nicer to me than anybody else ever has been! Now if you'd pardon me, I'm going to hang out with my _friends_."

She walks angrily away from Butters and Kyle and goes up to Bebe's group. They're huddled around Lola, who is doing something with her cell phone.

Charlie stops a few feet in front of them. "Hey, are you guys going to dance or what?"

Bebe smirks at her. "Hey, Charlie. Look what we have."

Lola shows Charlie her cell phone. She is texting pictures of Charlie dancing in the polka-dot dress to other kids in the school.

Charlie looks at the pictures and stops smiling. She looks up at the girls. "Why are you sending people pictures of me?"

Bebe rolls her eyes. The girls giggle.

"You really are stupid, Charlie," she sighs.

Charlie's eyes dart down, then back up. "What…?"

"You really thought we wanted to be your friends?" Bebe scoffs.

Charlie stares at the group. She doesn't know what to say. Ten or fifteen feet behind her, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny are watching.

Charlie finally asks in a shaky voice, "Why did you…?" Her voice trails off.

Heidi answers her question anyway. "We just needed something entertaining to do. So we gave you a makeover."

"A really crappy makeover," Lola sneers. "Keep rocking those polka dots, girl."

Charlie looks down at her dress as the girls giggle. She looks back up at them, surprised and hurt.

Red chimes in. "Nice dancing, by the way. You really know how to move."

Charlie stares at the group, wide-eyed. "But… I thought…" She holds onto the skirt of the dress and looks down at it. "You said the dress was cute."

Bebe smiles. "We lied. It isn't. It's ugly, just like you." The girls giggle. Bebe leans closer to Charlie and, in a low voice, she says, "Remember the List, Charlie."

Charlie bites her lip and looks down.

Kyle storms up to the girls, now fully pissed off.

"You guys are real bitches, you know that? Why would you do that to her?"

Charlie looks uncomfortably at Kyle.

Bebe rolls her eyes. "Oh please, Kyle."

"I'm serious!" Kyle cries, holding his arms out. "All she ever did was try to be your friend, and you just had to tear her down."

The girls begin to sigh and roll their eyes. Lola raises her eyebrows and smiles, saying, "God, it was just a joke. Have a sense of humor."

Kyle is more indignant than ever. "It was not just a joke! You pretended to be her friend, got her to do embarrassing things, and then told her what you were doing in the middle of a dance. That's the bitchiest thing you have ever done." He pauses for a breath of air. "And why did you call her ugly? She is not ugly!"

"She's a little ugly," Bebe says quietly, a little smile on the corner of her mouth.

"No she isn't!" Kyle yells. "Fuck you guys! Come on, Charlie, let's go."

He grabs Charlie's hand and pulls her out of the gym. Kenny and Butters glance at each other.

* * *

><p>Charlie looks at the ground and taps her knuckles together as they exit the school, trying not to cry. Kyle stands a few feet in front of her. He sighs and looks at the ground.<p>

"Sorry."

"It's okay," Charlie sniffles, wiping her nose on the back of her hand. "I—I'm sorry I didn't believe you. You were right. Th-those girls were bitches."

Kyle looks angry again. "I just don't get it. Why would they do that?"

"Because I'm stupid enough to fall for it."

Kyle faces her.

"Charlie, you're not stupid."

Charlie holds back tears. "Y-yes I am. I'm an idiot."

"You just wanted to be their friend," Kyle says.

Charlie sniffles and laughs. "Doesn't that make me an idiot?"

Kyle laughs weakly. Charlie sighs and sits down on the steps to the school. She still looks hurt. After a few seconds, Kyle sits down next to her. They both rest their heads in their hands.

Charlie sighs. "I thought I was finally making some new friends. I mean, apart from you and Stan and Kenny, and Cartman and Butters, if you count them, I haven't made any friends since I moved here. And that was more than a year ago."

Kyle glances over at her. "Well, why do you need more friends?"

"I don't know. I guess I kind of thought it'd be nice to have some friends who were girls. I mean, so far they all just think I'm ugly and weird. And now they probably think I'm stupid too."

Kyle sits up. "Charlie, listen to me: you might be a little weird, but you're not ugly, and you're not stupid."

Charlie sniffles and wipes her nose again. She stands up and walks closer to the curb, looking out at the mountains. "I kind of started to feel like I was going to fit in. Like… like maybe everything was going to start changing."

Kyle looks at her but doesn't say anything.

Charlie sighs. "I know it's stupid, but I sort of thought that if they could all change the way that I looked, and if they started to treat me like a friend, that I'd start to feel different. Like a different person, sort of. Does that make any sense?"

"Not really," Kyle answers.

Charlie looks down and swallows. She turns to face him but looks at the ground. "Kyle? Did you really mean it when you said I'm not ugly?"

Kyle stands up and walks over to her. He wears an utterly serious expression.

"Of course you're not ugly."

Charlie's lips twitch into a half smile. She continues, "Because, you know, they voted me the ugliest girl in class."

Kyle scowls and declares, "That's just because they're a bunch of retards who wouldn't recognize a pretty girl even if she danced in front of them in a stupid polka-dot dress!"

Charlie, still shell-shocked, looks up at Kyle. In a single quick movement she leans forward, kisses him, and returns to her original position. Then she looks at the ground again, embarrassed. Kyle stares at her, surprised. Neither of them says anything for several seconds.

Finally Charlie speaks. "Sorry."

Kyle looks at the ground too. "That's okay."

They're quiet for a few more seconds.

"I'm sorry I made fun of your hair," Charlie says.

Kyle looks up again. "Huh?"

Charlie looks back at him. "You know, a few days ago, when I laughed at your hair? I didn't mean it."

Kyle looks up in the direction of his hat. "Oh. That's okay."

Charlie scratches her shoulder. "Well, it was just bothering me. It was totally uncalled for. Your hair is very nice."

Kyle smiles shyly at her.

"Thanks. Do you want to come play X-Box at my house?"

Charlie looks at him again. She also smiles nervously.

"Sure," she says.

They walk down the sidewalk next to each other. After a few seconds, Kyle takes Charlie's hand. A few more moments pass. Then Charlie starts to sing.

"_Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam; where the deer and the antelope play_."

Kyle joins in.

"_Where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the skies are not cloudy all day._"

* * *

><p>Awhile later, Charlie and Kyle are playing X-Box at Kyle's house. Charlie is still wearing her stupid polka-dot dress. Kyle has his hat off. They glance at each other and smile shyly.<p>

Stan walks into the house. He looks relieved to see them.

"Oh, good, you guys are here. Kenny told me what happened."

Charlie looks over at him. "Huh?"

Stan looks confused. "About the girls being bitches?"

Charlie now remembers, but she doesn't look bothered by it. "Oh, yeah. Those chicks are total hoes. It's all right though. I don't really care so much anyway."

Stan looks at her oddly. "Don't you want to, you know, change out of that stupid dress?"

"Charlie doesn't care that her dress is stupid," says Kyle.

Charlie grins. "That's right. I like it."

Cartman walks in, his clothes sweaty and dirty from his probable fight with Token. He stares at Kyle.

"Kyle, dude. Put away the Jewfro, nobody wants to see that shit."

"Fuck you, Cartman," says Kyle.

"I like Kyle's hair," Charlie says. "I think it's awesome."

Charlie and Kyle smile at each other.

Cartman looks at the two of them. "Holy mother of Jesus, it's happened."

"What happened?" asks Stan.

Cartman begins to sing in a vaguely Italian accent. "_When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore. When the world starts to shine like you've had too much wine you're in looove…_"

Kyle glances over at Charlie and smiles slightly. "Shut up, fat-ass."

Cartman ignores him and continues singing. "_When you waaaalk… in a dreeeeam… but you knooow you're not dreaming… Signoo-ooreee… 'Scuzza me, but you see, back in old Napoli, that's amore_!"

* * *

><p><em>Aw, I think it's cute. Probably not going to play into any of my future stories, but still... <em>

_And it ain't over 'til the kid with the orange parka sings, so stay tuned for one last part._


	5. Kenny's Revenge

**"One of the Girls"**

**Part 5. Kenny's Revenge**

* * *

><p>"Guys! Guy! Oh my God! You are never going to believe who just texted me," squeals Bebe, jumping up and down as the other girls crowd around her.<p>

"Who? What is it?" asks Red.

"It's Kevin McCormick!" Bebe giggles. "He says he wants to meet me behind the 7-11 right away!"

"Lucky!" moan the other girls as Bebe rushes out of the gymnasium.

* * *

><p>The night is dark and foreboding as Bebe walks down the streets towards the 7-11. At last she spots it. The lights flicker "7-1" with one of the digits burnt out. Nervously, she walks up to the building and glances in the window. A middle-aged man is mopping the floor of the establishment.<p>

Nervously, Bebe walks through the alley between two buildings and reaches the rear of the 7-11. No one is there.

Clutching her cell phone, Bebe glances at the dumpsters and heaps of cardboard boxes where someone might be hiding. Suddenly, she hears the sound of someone walking through the alley.

"Kevin?" Bebe asks nervously. "Is that you?"

Sure enough, Kevin McCormick emerges from the alleyway. He looks confused, but Bebe looks thrilled.

"Kevin!" she squeals. She takes a step towards him and is suddenly drenched in gallons of lime green dye, apparently poured from the roof of the 7-11. Bebe freezes in horror once the deluge subsides, gaping up at Kevin, who looks confused, but not alarmed.

"Oh my God!" Bebe cries. "What's going on?"

"I don't know. I'm just here 'cause someone texted that I'd get five bucks if I showed up," Kevin says, annoyed. "I want my five—"

Before he can finish, a small figure darts past him, dropping five dollars on the ground. Kevin smiles, picks up the money, and walks away.

Bebe stares after him, drenched in dye and devastated. Just then, a man walks around to the back of the building. He sees her, then looks at the wall behind her.

"You've got a lot of explaining to do, missy!" he shouts.

"Wh-what?" Bebe stammers.

"From the looks of it, you went ahead and painted yourself and my wall," he says sternly. "Luckily, I was just doing some janitorial work myself, so…" He steps away, then returns a moment later with a bucket of soapy water and a sponge.

"Here you go."

Bebe looks up at the wall behind her. Painted in the same shade of green as the dye that soaks her body is a massive question mark.

* * *

><p>The End.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Charlie might be a dumb bitch, but she's his dumb bitch.<em>

_I love my reviewers! You guys are the shit! (In a good way!)_


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